| failure......... |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|06:26 pm] |
so, i've failed the eating plan. but, most of all, the guy i have a crush on seems not to like me. i feel i can't be myself around him and that i've been making an ass of myself. how is it when you, or, i, know that i'm a very special person with lots of talent and genius can't seem to portray that person to the world. the world only gets to see a drunk happy-go-lucky person. my mind is going crazy over every detail, going over every event of that night and thinking, did i look ok? did i make a good impression, when, in fact....i don't know. most likely no.
am i making it too obvious? he is retreating from me and i don't want him to feel that way. i feel i am being over-bearing. i should just wait until he makes the move. i'm such a loser.
i want it so bad, yet, i refuse to work for it. serves me right in the end i suppose. im just tired of it all. tired of constantly thinking about marriage. constantly. i hate my mother for making me feel like the lower hand...as if i need to work at finding someone to marry me. when in fact, i should just be myself, free and care-free until the person finds me. why should i be on the hunting end?
im beatiful. im smart. ive got alot going on and don't have alot going on for me, but, why must i play the helpless one? i should be the one with the power. the one who makes all the boys swoon. im sick of looking like the ass. im sick of following around the boys. im sick of the one who has to try. make them try. make them want. make them lust. make them want.
they should. that's it. i'm completely devoted to me and me only. i'm sick of it all. i'm sick of trying. i'm sick of being the initiator and left there standing to wonder. that's it. my mother can go to hell. im done. i'm through. they should be following me and wanting me with every last breathe. |
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april_26's journal
