| failure......... |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|06:26 pm] |
so, i've failed the eating plan. but, most of all, the guy i have a crush on seems not to like me. i feel i can't be myself around him and that i've been making an ass of myself. how is it when you, or, i, know that i'm a very special person with lots of talent and genius can't seem to portray that person to the world. the world only gets to see a drunk happy-go-lucky person. my mind is going crazy over every detail, going over every event of that night and thinking, did i look ok? did i make a good impression, when, in fact....i don't know. most likely no.
am i making it too obvious? he is retreating from me and i don't want him to feel that way. i feel i am being over-bearing. i should just wait until he makes the move. i'm such a loser.
i want it so bad, yet, i refuse to work for it. serves me right in the end i suppose. im just tired of it all. tired of constantly thinking about marriage. constantly. i hate my mother for making me feel like the lower hand...as if i need to work at finding someone to marry me. when in fact, i should just be myself, free and care-free until the person finds me. why should i be on the hunting end?
im beatiful. im smart. ive got alot going on and don't have alot going on for me, but, why must i play the helpless one? i should be the one with the power. the one who makes all the boys swoon. im sick of looking like the ass. im sick of following around the boys. im sick of the one who has to try. make them try. make them want. make them lust. make them want.
they should. that's it. i'm completely devoted to me and me only. i'm sick of it all. i'm sick of trying. i'm sick of being the initiator and left there standing to wonder. that's it. my mother can go to hell. im done. i'm through. they should be following me and wanting me with every last breathe. |
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| horrible. |
[Sep. 6th, 2006|02:50 am] |
i feel like crap. ive way over-weight and continue to eat as if there will be a shortage of food in the world. ive never felt so disgusted in my life. im also smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. my throat hurts when i wake up in the morning from smoking so damn much.
it feels like a vicious cycle. get depressed, eat to hide the pain, realize the pain, smoke, hate myself...then eat again. i feel like i have a serious problem. i cant go on like this forever. im depressed about not making it to a good college. im depressed that i have to work a shit ass job. im depressed that my friends are succeeding in life while, im here, nothing.
my face has been breaking out like a maniac. ive never had such bad skin before. i feel like i have to change my ways, or its over for me. ive never felt so ugly and depressed in my entire life. even when i was on drugs i wasnt this depressed. maybe because the drugs masked the pain, but, at least i had money and i looked good. now, im just a fat depressed cow, with no friends, no social life, no money, living at home, just miserable.
i feel all my problems will go away if only i was thin, i try, but, not really. food just jumps into my mouth, and i shove endless amounts of it in there. then i go shopping and see all the clothes that look disgusting on my fat body and remember when i used to be so thin...and will i ever be that way again?
i need to call beverly and change jobs. thank god in a week my life will be a litttle different. maybe ill be down another path very soon. but, right now, im completely depressed. i need to train and get everything together at the shop so i can leave for sure.
i need to get out of this hell hole. |
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